Humour

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THOUGHT OF THE MOMENT: Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
PREVIOUS THOUGHT OF THE MOMENT: What do you do when you see an endangered plant being eaten by an endangered animal?

CLASSIC INSULTS DEP’T:
* “He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.” — Sam Houston.
* “What time he can spare from the adornment of his peson he devotes to the neglect of his duties.”
* “She’s okay, if you like talent.” — Rosalind Russell
* “The t is silent, as in Harlow.” — Margo Asquith
* “He is a modest man, who has a good deal to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill

PHILOSOPHY DEP’T:
* “There must be more to life than having everything.” — Maurice Sendak
* “I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but now I see I should have been more specific.” — Jane Wagner
* “I refuse to be intimidated by reality any more. After all, what is reality anyway? Nothin’ but a collective hunch. . . I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.” — Jane Wagner.
* “In philosophy, if you’re not moving at a snail’s pace, you’re not moving at all.” — Dame Iris Murdoch
* “Eternal nothingness is okay if you’re dressed for it.” — Woody Allen
* “The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.” — Woody Allen
* “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen
* “I won’t eat anything that has intelligent life, but I’d gladly eat a network executive or a politician.” — Mary Feldman.
* “Only a great cynic would be an optimist these days.” — Milan Kundera
* “Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt.
* “The mind can also be an erogenous zone.” — Racquel Welch
* “Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.” — WH Auden
* “That’s what show business is for — to prove that it’s not what you are that counts, it’s what they think you are.” — Andy Warhol
* “There may have been disillusionments in the lives of the medieval saints, but they would scarcely have been better pleased if they could have foreseen that their names would be associated nowadays chiefly with racehorces and the cheaper clarets.” — Saki (HH Munro)

(But Seriously):
* “It is a good morning exercise for a research scientist to discard a pet hypothesis every day before breakfast. It keeps him young.” — Konrad Lorenz
* “All philosophy is ‘critique of language’ . . . Philosophy is not a theory but an activity . . . Everything that can be said can be said clearly . . . In order to draw a limit to thinking, we should have to be able to think both sides of this limit.” — Ludwig Wittgenstein.
* “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupery
* “Philosopy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

AUTHENTICITY DEP’T (“Whatever Works”).
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya, using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan “Just do it” appears on the screen.
An anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, “I don’t want these. Give me big shoes.”
Says Nike’s agent, “We thought nobody in America would know what he said.”

PRO-ACTIVE ETYMOLOGY: Here’s a list of 10 words that don’t exist, but ought to:
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow “remove” all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane seat.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the “illegal” side. [readers who are not acquainted with the Australian Milk Carton can be forgiven for not appreciating this one — ed.]
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re six inches away.

A little research uncovered more of these:
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor’ de on tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib’ re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinkingwater is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg’ uh side) n. When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz’ acks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay’ shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
NEONPHANCY (ne on’ fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life

GENDER v GENDER [for those who can maintain a sense of humour about serious issues]:
* Quote of the week: “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin.
* Alternative Quote of the week: “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” — Gloria Steinem
*  Known Facts About Men — a female point of view:
1. Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.  Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.  These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:  depressing and more depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.  I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here.  There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
14. Most men hate to shop.  That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more  types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.  The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women.  No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?”  Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win?   How’s my car?
22. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number… he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?”  He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I      love you… I want to marry you…I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes.   Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.  With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.  Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
28. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.

* Definition of a “gentleman:” any man who can describe a beautiful woman without using his hands.
* Alternative definition of “gentleman:” A man who takes his hat off before hitting a woman.”

EXAM BLOOPERS: Here are some items taken from actual exam papers in the United States.
* A student in a science class wrote, “The universe is a giant orgasm” (instead of organism). At the end of the student’s essay, the teacher riposted, “Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory.”
* All animals were here before mankind.  The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
* Men are mammals and women are femammals.
* Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
* Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
* When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
*  H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
* Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
*  Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.  

KIDS’ CAPERS:
Boy to his father: “Here is my report card, and one of yours I found in the attic.” 
School Excuse Notes These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
* My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
* Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.
* Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
* Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced      his hip.
* John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
* Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

ON CAMPUS:
* “In examinations, those who do not wish to know ask questions of those who cannot tell.” — Walter Raleigh
* “I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year . . . for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.” — Woody Allen
* “Whom are you?” said he, for he had been to night school. — George Ade
* “Teaching is the fine art of imparting knowledge without posessing it.” — Anon.
* “Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz
” The head boy at Harrow survived the war to become an English butler in Hollywood, a profession for which his education had prepared him admirably.” — John Mortimer
* Put-down of the week: “A guy with your IQ should have a low voice, too.” — Anon
* Catty remark of the week: “She loves nature — despite what it did to her.”
* Tom Catty remark of the week: “He’s not a bad bloke, until you get to know him.”
* Banner sighted at a Readers’ Digest convention: “Brevity is . . . wit.”

MISCELLANEOUS MIRTH:
* Short Lessons From History: “Once there was a Drag Hunt Ball, just outside Oxford, to which I had unaccountably failed to be asked. So I asked God to do something about it, and God recklessly killed poor King George, as a result of which the Hunt Ball was cancelled.” — Antonia Fraser
*
* The True Nature Of Organisational Hierarchy. One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” The hands said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.” The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere.  So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
Then the rectum said I think I should be in charge.” All the rest of the parts said “YOU?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.” So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.  They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story? You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge. . . . just an a — , er, rectum.
* Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but the bulbe has to really want to change.